Day 7 Feeling What We Feel

"Unexpressed emotions will never die.They are buried alive, and will come forth later in uglier ways." --Sigmund Freud

I'm not a big Freudian, but he was right about this.  My experience has shown me the truth of this. My favorite birthday card of all time came to me from a friend of many decades. It read: "What you do not express remains depressed."  She knew better than I , that I was having a very difficult time expressing the feelings I'd buried for so long, in hopes that I'd be relieved of the reality and truth that lay within those buried emotions. In my case, I buried myself in my work, channeling the emotional turmoil into works to help others heal from their own trauma. Through this process, I did achieve some healing and relief. However at the time she gave me the card, I had not really faced my deepest feelings and fears. Because the reality I had envisioned, was never to be. I had to face a new reality, and that has been hard, but freeing.

Practical Application of the Day: 

"Life status: Holding it altogether with a bobby pin."

Hold onto our sense of humor. Talk with someone you can laugh with easily. 

Over two decades ago, I went into shock during a very turbulent time. My husband, was trapped inside a war zone, and I was thousands of miles away having no idea whether he was dead or alive. After staying up all one night after hanging up the phone with the Marine officer at the US Embassy in Kuwait (one of the last calls made from the embassy for two years after), I washed dishes and scrubbed pots and pans all night long. In the middle of a long hot August, I was cold and shaking. My friends had a doctor call me at home to evaluate my condition, and he determined I'd gone into shock. They treated me for that, and there began a very long and difficult journey.

One of the things the doctor who evaluated me did, was refer me to a Trauma Counselor. At the time, I had not even heard of such a thing. To be frank, it was quite new, and I was fortunate that the good Dr. Norm Shealy referred me to the trauma therapist. I went to the visit reluctantly. Trained myself in psychology and counseling, I wasn't sure I trusted that I even needed help nor did I think anyone could make me feel better. When I went to see him, two things happened that seemed insignificant at the time, but like all really powerful kinds of 'medicine' have become the most potent tools I have.

The first thing the therapist said to me, almost as an aside, was, "There's nothing wrong with you. You're not mentally unbalanced. You're dealing with an impossible situation. You want to understand it and fix it, but it's out of your hands."  The second thing was equivalent to being advised to 'fake it until you make it."  He stood up and asked me to stand up and move. Move my arms. Sway back and forth. It didn't much matter how I moved, but it was important that I get my body moving. This enables me to not only move my body and get more active, but it helps change the entire body's chemical and physical responses. Like I said, I left his office thinking I'd gotten absolutely nothing from that visit, but in fact, he had given me the gifts that make my life infinitely better.

By reminding me I had not created the situation I was now forced to cope with, he helped me wake up to the fact, that I was, in my heart of hearts, whole and healthy. That was fortunate because there was still much to cope with over a number of years. Had I not been healthy to begin with, it would have been much worse. And to be reminded of who I am, my true nature, I was responsible for being the final arbiter of my own well being.  There have been times when I've created problems for myself and when I needed to learn how to change, adapt, or heal from self-imposed issues, but this war and the trauma associated with it was not one of those times. And our true healing and wholeness comes from knowing who we are, and trusting that we have what it takes to act on our own behalf and in our own best interests most of the time. That doesn't mean we don't need others, but it does mean we must be at the heart of any healing or growth we experience.

And the reminder to get up and move has been a constant reminder that we cannot allow ourselves to wallow too much or for too long. It's natural and normal to feel fear, grief, sadness, anger, panic, or whatever we feel. It's not normal or healthy to stay in any one of those states. To cope with trauma we must take some action. That may be the simple act of getting up and drinking a glass of water or making the bed, or doing the dishes, or cleaning out the sink, or getting out of your pajamas (the ones you've been in all week?).  Keep getting up. Keep moving and doing something so you keep your mind and body active and focused on something. It might not be the time to write your great novel, but then again, it might be time to write something. Take action and keep reminding yourself to move. And know when to stop and rest. That's necessary too.

Working on balance is an ongoing process, and it's harder when you're experiencing trauma. It's harder for all of us right now. Be patient and kind with yourself. And try to be patient with others. If you can't be, step back and keep yourself from getting embroiled in interaction that is too difficult at this time. Give yourself and your relationships a break. If we're going to be in close contact with others, we need to establish some ways to allow one another space, time, and privacy.

Today I've shared some of the insight that helped me earlier in my life. I'm using those lessons now, and sharing them with you. Look at your own history and find what worked for you, and see how you can apply it now. Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself ways to express what you feel in safe and healing ways.

Inspiration for Lamenting:

"My grief lies all within.

And these external manners of lament

Are merely shadows to the unseen grief

That swells with silence in the tortured soul."

--William Shakespeare

We Are All the Same

Listen to the reeds as they sway apart;

Hear them speak of lost friends.

At birth, you were cut from your bed,

Crying and grasping in separation.

Everyone listens, knowing your song.

You yearn for others who know your name,

And the words to your lament.

We are all the same, all the same,

Longing to find our way back;

Back to the one, back to the only one. --Rumi

Human nature is divided; it contains both darkness and light. You can choose to accept the darkness and lament it, or you can choose to expand the light until the darkness no longer dominates.

--Deepak Chopra

Just for Today:

Just for today, give yourself time to feel what you feel.

Just for today, pay attention to what longs to be expressed from your heart of hearts.

Just for today, notice what you wish you didn't think or feel.

Just for today, notice how often you beat yourself up for not being enough.

Just for today, try to be a bit kinder.