Day 14 In for the Long Haul
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| Lily Pond Catherine Al-Meten Meyers |
A model that seems to fit how we're needing to adjust our lives is that of a runner preparing for and running a marathon. The difference between a marathon runner though, and our experience, is that we did not know we'd be needing to do this. It was for many, a big surprise, and I might note after having to go out today, it still has not hit home with some people. Given what 'is' rather than what 'should' be, we now need to get ourselves ready for the long haul. That includes, getting up off our backsides and moving. We want to do what runners call, building a base mileage. This involves running 3-5 times a week.
Our marathon though doesn't involve running but rather involves building strength and stamina that will help sustain us for an undetermined amount of time. Building structure into our day,needs to include physical activity and strength building. If we sit around all day or stay in bed, pulling the covers over our heads, we will suffer. Our bodies need to be exercised. Strength building exercise might include simply lifting a couple of books or doing some modified push ups (knees on the floor) or modified planks (yoga). Doing a half hour of yoga or fitness (videos) along with taking a half an hour walk daily, is a good start. It's as important for your mental and emotional health to get moving as it is for your physical health.
Trauma is defined in part as not being able to do what you normally do through no fault of your own. When we can't act as we'd like, we begin to feel helpless. Trauma is something you did not cause and cannot fix. All parts of your being are affected by trauma. The reactions are automatic: fear, numbing,anger, confusion, zoning out, hypervigilance to name a few. Even that feeling of urgency many of us feel, is part of the automatic reaction. Traumatic reactions send us into our natural fight or flight responses. Remember when I said I was up all night scrubbing pans? We throw ourselves into whatever we can do. That's in direct response to wanting to survive. The only thing we can control are our own responses to the reactions we experience because of whatever threatens or limits us.
How we respond to the ongoing trauma we are experiencing personally, collectively, professionally, and interpersonally is what we can have some control over. Next we need to recognize the situation we are in. For many of us, it's being at home; for others, it means being on the front lines. Wherever we find ourselves, there are certain things we need to be able to do for ourselves.
One of the most important things we can do is to build some structure in our day to day lives. Our lives have changed, and the way we do things has changed as well. Those who are isolating at home, may or may not still be working.
What we need to do to manage a nebulous, ambiguous cloud of unknowing (how long will this last), is to build a new structure. By creating structure in our lives, we provide some certainty. "I'm going to wake at 8, and fix my breakfast at 8:30. I'll do some work for an hour, and then at 10 I'm going to take a break and do a yoga tape. At noon I'll call a friend and have a lunch chat, and in the afternoon..." . This may sound boring and you may not stick to it every day, but the point is, you're giving structure to help rebuild a sense of knowing. You create ways to calm yourself down (reading, music, walks, meditation, gardening, sewing, prayer, cooking) and you get your body moving. Begin to organize your day with activities that help you gain a sense of control
The problem with sitting around too much, especially during a traumatic time, is that your body begins to numb and to freeze up. It's called dissociation, your sense of time disappears, your sense of agency disappears. When this happens, we see people falling into a state of timelessness (a real disconnection with where we are in time and space), in a sense of helplessness, and in a state of fear and worry over every imaginable catastrophic fantasy. This is a very serious situation for anyone, but when the possibility is compounded because of being or feeling cut off, it can be very serious. For that reason, we need to build a sense of agency (I can do this), a sense of being able to regain a sense of calm, and purpose and meaning with what we have, where we are, and who we are.
We are all learning to rely on our inner resources as much as our basic resources where we are. This can seem like an overwhelming task, so it helps to break things down into bite size pieces. For that reason menu planning, a daily agenda, well thought out plans for going out--all basic needs right now, become our most important priorities. While our stress levels (and cortisol levels) may be rising, we are most in need of being able to slow our thinking down, calm our emotions, so we can make good decisions. What are some of the ways you've been using to calm yourself when you get upset, scared, angry, or sad?
One thing that's really important is moving your body. Get up off the couch. Get out of bed, and start moving. Take a walk. Do some strength training. Jump rope or do jumping jacks. Dance. And sing when you dance as that helps activate the thyroid gland which helps regulate your metabolism It also activates the vagal nerve which helps soothe and calm you in times of stress.
"Trauma is about predictability and trust" (Dr. Bessel vanDerKolk, 2020). When we are going through this prolonged period of trauma, we've lost the ability to know what's going to happen and we in some ways may be losing our sense of who we can trust. Many people have mentioned to me how they've observed the best and the worst in others under the current conditions. This experience may also bring out the best and worst in ourselves, and that can be shocking to us. So what we need to do is build in a sense of trust in our own ability (our agency) to do things for ourselves. To make meals and get supplies. To reach out for assistance when we need it. To solve problems we've maybe never had to solve. We're learning, which is a form of coping, to adjust, to act on our own behalf, and to live with a great deal of ambiguity and uncertainty.
We manage best when we keep ourselves active (not over active; that's another extreme reaction we need to be careful to monitor). We need to give our lives structure. We need to keep our body active and build greater strength and stamina. We need to get enough rest (stress is emotionally draining). We need to find joy and beauty in who we are and where we are. It's vital that you move your body so that you feel your own strength and get a sense of your own agency or power or energy...actually, I find it's a combination of all those. This week I know more of us have been feeling our emotions. For me, more than any other time in my life, I'm feeling weepy.
However you are experiencing your emotions, consider the emotions of release through laughter, tears, excitement as healthy responses. A much-needed release. The emotions that are more difficult and which trigger more unhealthy chemicals and hormones, like cortisol, (anger, fear, numbing) require changing the way those emotions are expressed. Here again, physical activity helps with the healthy release of emotions.
What ways do you find most helpful for expressing positive emotions? What ways do you find most helpful for expressing the more negative or painful emotions? Once you've asked yourself these questions, make a little list of the a few things you'd like to add to your daily routine to help increase healthier choices for yourself. If you're with your family or are sharing living space with others, you might suggest others do the same thing so you have a way to help everyone get a sense of their own agency too. The more we can support one another to maintain strength, perseverance, a sense of self, and a sense of trust, the better it is for everyone. For those of us who are alone, we need to do this for ourselves, but we must build in ways to maintain social contact. Even being a rather solitary person, these times awaken my need to connect regularly with my family and with good, trusted friends. One friend has 4:00 tea party each day, and that's when she stops whatever she is doing to just have a cup of tea, find a place of calm, and be open to a call from a trusted friend or family member. It's a great idea.
Because trust, in ourselves, in our relationships, in the outside world, in a Higher Power, is an essential need we have, it is key that we know how our own body and brain work together to provide us with the knowledge we need to protect ourselves and thrive. We have experiences, knowledge, opinions, an imagination, and intuition. Our body and brain operate like a barometer, letting us know in so many ways, how we are feeling and what we are motivated to do or not do. My hand approaches an open flame, and my brain and body give me signals that I'm in a danger zone. We need to learn to pay attention to what our intuition and gut have to tell us. The expression, "trust your gut" is crucial for self defense. We sense danger in the solar plexus region of our body along with the central nervous system. Hence we might feel afraid and start shaking. We might freeze and go numb. These automatic responses require our being able to get to safety. That might mean moving away from something/someone. It might mean to not call attention to yourself or to do the opposite. It might mean to stay home if it doesn't feel right to go out. And it might mean you need to take a little risk in order not to get frozen.
There's an expression I heard from my very favorite nurse practitioner, Stephanie Potts. She reminded me when I said I was 'over my divorce', that "grief is not linear Catherine. You're not over anything yet." I laughed at the time, because I knew what she said was true, in my head. All the books say that, yet my 'rational' mind wanted to believe I'd gotten over something, that really actually took me quite a while to even begin to get over. Lol. Some things stay with us our whole lives, and so I believe that the joy of life for me is the growing process that life itself is. It's a continuous adventure, and I'm kind of into adventures. Usually though, I like to choose. Well my friends, we didn't choose this one.
And when we do not choose, what we can have some agency over, some control over, is how we react to what has happened. The other piece of this that I believe is crucial to anyone going though a traumatic event such as this, is that it's not your fault. It's a situation that happened and you were caught up in it for no fault of your own. There is no room for trying find reasons how you might have brought this on yourself. We are all coping with an impossible situation, one we didn't cause. And what we can do, is take care of ourselves each day, as best we can. We will have some days that are better than others. Some days as my good friend said today, "Some days I just am angry all day." And so shall we all, though fortunately, we'll all have different reactions and responses at different times. Some days will be better than others. Our job is to take care of ourselves by nourishing our body, our minds, our spirit, and our emotions.
Remember who you are and know that you are loved. We are all in this together, and we can help each other and add to the collective healing of all of us. Blessings to you.
Trauma is defined in part as not being able to do what you normally do through no fault of your own. When we can't act as we'd like, we begin to feel helpless. Trauma is something you did not cause and cannot fix. All parts of your being are affected by trauma. The reactions are automatic: fear, numbing,anger, confusion, zoning out, hypervigilance to name a few. Even that feeling of urgency many of us feel, is part of the automatic reaction. Traumatic reactions send us into our natural fight or flight responses. Remember when I said I was up all night scrubbing pans? We throw ourselves into whatever we can do. That's in direct response to wanting to survive. The only thing we can control are our own responses to the reactions we experience because of whatever threatens or limits us.
How we respond to the ongoing trauma we are experiencing personally, collectively, professionally, and interpersonally is what we can have some control over. Next we need to recognize the situation we are in. For many of us, it's being at home; for others, it means being on the front lines. Wherever we find ourselves, there are certain things we need to be able to do for ourselves.
One of the most important things we can do is to build some structure in our day to day lives. Our lives have changed, and the way we do things has changed as well. Those who are isolating at home, may or may not still be working.
What we need to do to manage a nebulous, ambiguous cloud of unknowing (how long will this last), is to build a new structure. By creating structure in our lives, we provide some certainty. "I'm going to wake at 8, and fix my breakfast at 8:30. I'll do some work for an hour, and then at 10 I'm going to take a break and do a yoga tape. At noon I'll call a friend and have a lunch chat, and in the afternoon..." . This may sound boring and you may not stick to it every day, but the point is, you're giving structure to help rebuild a sense of knowing. You create ways to calm yourself down (reading, music, walks, meditation, gardening, sewing, prayer, cooking) and you get your body moving. Begin to organize your day with activities that help you gain a sense of control
The problem with sitting around too much, especially during a traumatic time, is that your body begins to numb and to freeze up. It's called dissociation, your sense of time disappears, your sense of agency disappears. When this happens, we see people falling into a state of timelessness (a real disconnection with where we are in time and space), in a sense of helplessness, and in a state of fear and worry over every imaginable catastrophic fantasy. This is a very serious situation for anyone, but when the possibility is compounded because of being or feeling cut off, it can be very serious. For that reason, we need to build a sense of agency (I can do this), a sense of being able to regain a sense of calm, and purpose and meaning with what we have, where we are, and who we are.
We are all learning to rely on our inner resources as much as our basic resources where we are. This can seem like an overwhelming task, so it helps to break things down into bite size pieces. For that reason menu planning, a daily agenda, well thought out plans for going out--all basic needs right now, become our most important priorities. While our stress levels (and cortisol levels) may be rising, we are most in need of being able to slow our thinking down, calm our emotions, so we can make good decisions. What are some of the ways you've been using to calm yourself when you get upset, scared, angry, or sad?
One thing that's really important is moving your body. Get up off the couch. Get out of bed, and start moving. Take a walk. Do some strength training. Jump rope or do jumping jacks. Dance. And sing when you dance as that helps activate the thyroid gland which helps regulate your metabolism It also activates the vagal nerve which helps soothe and calm you in times of stress.
"Trauma is about predictability and trust" (Dr. Bessel vanDerKolk, 2020). When we are going through this prolonged period of trauma, we've lost the ability to know what's going to happen and we in some ways may be losing our sense of who we can trust. Many people have mentioned to me how they've observed the best and the worst in others under the current conditions. This experience may also bring out the best and worst in ourselves, and that can be shocking to us. So what we need to do is build in a sense of trust in our own ability (our agency) to do things for ourselves. To make meals and get supplies. To reach out for assistance when we need it. To solve problems we've maybe never had to solve. We're learning, which is a form of coping, to adjust, to act on our own behalf, and to live with a great deal of ambiguity and uncertainty.
We manage best when we keep ourselves active (not over active; that's another extreme reaction we need to be careful to monitor). We need to give our lives structure. We need to keep our body active and build greater strength and stamina. We need to get enough rest (stress is emotionally draining). We need to find joy and beauty in who we are and where we are. It's vital that you move your body so that you feel your own strength and get a sense of your own agency or power or energy...actually, I find it's a combination of all those. This week I know more of us have been feeling our emotions. For me, more than any other time in my life, I'm feeling weepy.
However you are experiencing your emotions, consider the emotions of release through laughter, tears, excitement as healthy responses. A much-needed release. The emotions that are more difficult and which trigger more unhealthy chemicals and hormones, like cortisol, (anger, fear, numbing) require changing the way those emotions are expressed. Here again, physical activity helps with the healthy release of emotions.
What ways do you find most helpful for expressing positive emotions? What ways do you find most helpful for expressing the more negative or painful emotions? Once you've asked yourself these questions, make a little list of the a few things you'd like to add to your daily routine to help increase healthier choices for yourself. If you're with your family or are sharing living space with others, you might suggest others do the same thing so you have a way to help everyone get a sense of their own agency too. The more we can support one another to maintain strength, perseverance, a sense of self, and a sense of trust, the better it is for everyone. For those of us who are alone, we need to do this for ourselves, but we must build in ways to maintain social contact. Even being a rather solitary person, these times awaken my need to connect regularly with my family and with good, trusted friends. One friend has 4:00 tea party each day, and that's when she stops whatever she is doing to just have a cup of tea, find a place of calm, and be open to a call from a trusted friend or family member. It's a great idea.
Because trust, in ourselves, in our relationships, in the outside world, in a Higher Power, is an essential need we have, it is key that we know how our own body and brain work together to provide us with the knowledge we need to protect ourselves and thrive. We have experiences, knowledge, opinions, an imagination, and intuition. Our body and brain operate like a barometer, letting us know in so many ways, how we are feeling and what we are motivated to do or not do. My hand approaches an open flame, and my brain and body give me signals that I'm in a danger zone. We need to learn to pay attention to what our intuition and gut have to tell us. The expression, "trust your gut" is crucial for self defense. We sense danger in the solar plexus region of our body along with the central nervous system. Hence we might feel afraid and start shaking. We might freeze and go numb. These automatic responses require our being able to get to safety. That might mean moving away from something/someone. It might mean to not call attention to yourself or to do the opposite. It might mean to stay home if it doesn't feel right to go out. And it might mean you need to take a little risk in order not to get frozen.
There's an expression I heard from my very favorite nurse practitioner, Stephanie Potts. She reminded me when I said I was 'over my divorce', that "grief is not linear Catherine. You're not over anything yet." I laughed at the time, because I knew what she said was true, in my head. All the books say that, yet my 'rational' mind wanted to believe I'd gotten over something, that really actually took me quite a while to even begin to get over. Lol. Some things stay with us our whole lives, and so I believe that the joy of life for me is the growing process that life itself is. It's a continuous adventure, and I'm kind of into adventures. Usually though, I like to choose. Well my friends, we didn't choose this one.
And when we do not choose, what we can have some agency over, some control over, is how we react to what has happened. The other piece of this that I believe is crucial to anyone going though a traumatic event such as this, is that it's not your fault. It's a situation that happened and you were caught up in it for no fault of your own. There is no room for trying find reasons how you might have brought this on yourself. We are all coping with an impossible situation, one we didn't cause. And what we can do, is take care of ourselves each day, as best we can. We will have some days that are better than others. Some days as my good friend said today, "Some days I just am angry all day." And so shall we all, though fortunately, we'll all have different reactions and responses at different times. Some days will be better than others. Our job is to take care of ourselves by nourishing our body, our minds, our spirit, and our emotions.
Remember who you are and know that you are loved. We are all in this together, and we can help each other and add to the collective healing of all of us. Blessings to you.
*A note to those who've been following this blog. Tonight's post will be the last for a couple of weeks while I allow my writing arm and hand to heal up. Due to overuse, I have some nerve/muscle issues that require that I rest my arm from too much writing. Hard as it is for me to make this decision, it is necessary for now. W
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