Day 4 Coping with Stress

"You are braver than you believe, and 

stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Chrisotopher Robin from A. A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh

Anyone remember the book, Everything You Need to Know You Learned in Kindergarten"?  Today I'm going to dip back into memories and recent experiences with grandparenting to share some ideas and inspiration that might remind you of the coping skills you've been developing your entire life. Granted some of the advice we got early on probably wasn't all that helpful, for example, "There are more fish in the sea" after your first heartbreak, was anything but consoling. So over time we have

learned to discern the kind of advice and training we've gotten. Now is when we hone our coping skills for the long haul.

And if you are sharing time in person or through virtual communication with your children and grandchildren, think about how you can best support their process of coping now too. As we know, we each cope with stress and anxiety differently. Some of us seek quiet and privacy while others need to talk it out and be with others. When we share living space with others, we learn to read each other, and hopefully work out ways that everyone's needs can be met, at least some of the time. If you haven't done this before, now will be a learning time.

• Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel your feelings. Trying to hold everything in, only leads to negative reactions. If we hold our feelings in, they can either turn into deeper internal stress or they can come out in outbursts and anger.  Allow yourself and others to have regular ways of talking about what's going on. And if you are alone, write out your thoughts and feelings and arrange to share with a good friend or relative you trust on a regular basis. Talk about the feelings before they have a chance to grow out of hand or if you've had an upset, talk about it after you've been able to calm down and restore your center of gravity. You might use the talking stick way of allowing each person uninterrupted time to say what's on their mind. Limit this to 5 minutes so that the extroverts don't dominate.   What are some other ways you can cope with your feelings?

• Communicate about problems.  When problems arise, find constructive ways to communicate about them.  Ignoring problems or pretending they'll 'disappear' is not going to work, especially if we are under stress for a prolonged period of time. This is an impossible situation we're all trying to cope with, so we need to remember, 'it's not our fault' and 'we can't fix it" by ourselves. We do have the power though to cope with some pretty unimaginable situations. Who would have thought we needed a strategy to get groceries, or find toilet paper? You may not be a talker, but you could write about it. You will need to talk with trusted friends or family about how to solve problems or adapt to new situations. You might plan now, for some possible scenarios, "What will we do if....?". Again in line with looking at our tools and skills, what is it you might need help with? What is it you can do to help with situations? What are some ways you might communicate or work on solving problems?

• Work on maintaining your perspective, and help others do the same. When we try to anticipate what might happen, we get caught up in all kinds of fantasies and often increase our stress instead of lessening it.  Reach into your past to get some perspective. One exercise I like to do involves laying out a timeline and putting 5 or so events in the past that I did not choose, that changed my life. For example, a death, loss of a job, war experience, divorce. Lay them out on the timeline, and then think of 5 or so changes that you chose. For example, going to university and getting degree, having a baby, buying a house, changing jobs/careers.  Next look at when these events happened and how they were related to one another or not. Then think back to how you coped best with the changes in your life in the past. And consider what you've already been through that can help you now. What can you use that you've already learned by past changes, both good and bad?

• Learn how to cope with both your autonomic and para-sympathtic nervous systems responses. Stress is a normal reaction to troubling experiences and for traumatic upset. However, we have to cope with the stress so as to lower the unhealthy physical reactions that our bodies automatically feel. Our autonomic nervous system goes into the flight-fight response when we feel threatened. For example, when you are caught up in worry and a sense of panic, that's the autonomic nervous system telling you to seek shelter or defend yourself. So of course we're upset.  To calm that down some, you can stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Doing some simple breathing exercises, gentle yoga/and stretching, stimulates the sympathetic nervous system and soothes you. Taking a hot shower or bath may help calm you down, or dancing and exercising may do the trick.   Remember, we don't all respond in the same ways. Allow for different ways to help you depending on the time and situation. Avoid depending on unhealthy ways of coping (too much caffeine or alcohol, too little exercise or too much, too little sleep or too much).  What are some ways you use to calm yourself? How are other members of the family/household doing that?

Over the Weekend. Part of how we cope with traumatic and challenging times, is by seeking some level of normalcy. What I've learned from working from home for as long as I have is giving myself time off and breaks. For me that means taking the weekend off from my normal work routine. It doesn't necessarily have to be the weekend; it could be any day/days. This weekend, spend some time coming up with some ideas for how to organize a little more 'normal' into your new life. Be sure to include fun and games, rest and recuperation. One of the best things about the great spiritual traditions of the world is the weekly Sabbath, Shabbat, Day of Rest.  

We all need a day or two of rest right now. And it may be part of your tradition, so turn toward some ways to honor the need we all have right now to take a break. To rest from the demands and heavy work we've been doing. Find ways to honor your own traditions and celebrate that which you have. Your Iranian friends are celebration Nowruz today, celebrated normally with a big gathering of friends out in a park to welcome the turning of the seasons, the Iranian New Year. Let's all welcome Spring (in the North) and Autumn (in the South) today, and take some time to relax and enjoy the life you have. Make some time to celebrate, in new ways that fit the new tone of life.

Poetry of Spring

Lines Written in Early Spring

BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

I heard a thousand blended notes,

While in a grove I sate reclined,

In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts

Bring sad thoughts to the mind.

To her fair works did Nature link

The human soul that through me ran;

And much it grieved my heart to think

What man has made of man.

Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,

The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;

And ’tis my faith that every flower

Enjoys the air it breathes.

The birds around me hopped and played,

Their thoughts I cannot measure:—

But the least motion which they made

It seemed a thrill of pleasure.

The budding twigs spread out their fan,

To catch the breezy air;

And I must think, do all I can,

That there was pleasure there.

If this belief from heaven be sent,

If such be Nature’s holy plan,

Have I not reason to lament

What man has made of man?

Spring

BY EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY

To what purpose, April, do you return again?

Beauty is not enough.

You can no longer quiet me with the redness

Of little leaves opening stickily.

I know what I know.

The sun is hot on my neck as I observe

The spikes of the crocus.

The smell of the earth is good.

It is apparent that there is no death.

But what does that signify?

Not only under ground are the brains of men

Eaten by maggots.

Life in itself

Is nothing,

An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.

It is not enough that yearly, down this hill,

April

Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.

And for those who wish to use their imaginations, dream up a beautiful place that you can create whenever you need to 'get away'. Let Yeat's poetry inspire you.

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight’s all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet’s wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart’s core.

Innishfree (‘Isle of Heather’) is located near the southern shore of Lough Gill, in County Sligo, Ireland. Why does Yeats want to take off there? The sentiment is one we can probably all relate to: wanting to leave behind the world and the life we inhabit, and ‘get back to nature’ and to a simpler existence. It seems more spiritually fulfilling, more tranquil, more wholesome. 

The Boys are Back in Town